July Was A Whirlwind…

I realized this morning that I hadn’t blogged in a while and when I logged in to see where my last blog left me, I saw that it was 6/30/16! Bad blogger for not being more consistent. I really do need to work on that. Perhaps that’s a post in and of itself.

July was filled with quite a bit of insight, upheaval and dealing with travel (for my other half – not for me unfortunately) and in dealing with all of it life just sort of caught up to me. That being said, with kindergarten fast approaching for my littlest one, I suspect that August will be just as busy, albeit with more opportunity to take a few moments of my days and post something that will hopefully be worth while to read. I’m still figuring out this whole ‘blogging’ thing after all.

I need to get back to making my dolls and refreshing the stock in my etsy shop. I love to work on them, but they do consume quite a bit of time – particularly if I’ve opted to reroot their hair and I have a tendency to just sit down and work, work, work once an idea hits me. I’ve been seeing a LOT of Suicide Squad Harley Quinn’s of late and that makes me happy. Some great ones have been created and I have to say the attention to detail amazes me.

 

Then there is the bracelets, which I also have been loving to make because they are quick, easy and something I can work on while watching TV at night. Been bouncing around the idea of trying to create some matching earrings for them to – but need to source some solid and affordable posts as I am HORRIBLY sensitive to anything plated and wish not to sell something I can’t also wear. I find it important that even if no one inquires, I wear my own creations daily. If you won’t wear your own stuff, then why would you think someone else would want to as well?!

 

 

I’ve also been batting the idea around to add some vlogs to my posts. I’ve been hell bent on relearning how best to apply make up and I’ve yet to see one from someone my age – which though I don’t look nearly close to what people would think 39 looks like, there are some base differences to how I can apply make up to say a twenty-something with fresh skin. I’ve also been wanting to post opinions of products and what I find works for me – in an effort to help out those in the ‘older’ set. If there is an interest in that, please let me know in the comments!

Racing is something I need to get back into as well once the weather is more conducive to running outside. I find running on the treadmill to be difficult at best since I can’t train in intervals nearly as easily (why for has the health and fitness industry not created a treadmill in which you can program timed intervals?! Get on that engineering/programming types!) I’ve been doing well on Weight Watchers and have managed through their program and walking 10000 steps a day approximately to loose a total of 12 lbs in about as many weeks so it’s a good, solid and manageable progression. Only 27 more to go!

There really has been a lot going on, and a ton that I want to start discussing more openly regarding my point of view on things. I just need to organize and start working on them. Stay tuned for more!

 

 

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As The Birthday Draws Near….

Soon I’ll be relaxingly taking in my 39th birthday. This is the dreaded year that everyone complains they will no longer be ‘young’ and that the equally dreaded 40’s looms on the horizon. To me, personally, it will be yet another day – like so many others I’ve been experiencing. Cleaning, maybe working on some of my beloved dolls or bracelets, and just general day-to-day things that I find myself working on. Its just another day, and one that is no different than the day before or the day after save I’ve marked time I’ve spent on this Earth drawing breath. It doesn’t change who I am, who I’ve become or who I’m going to be. I will still be mom, and partner, and sister, and cousin and coworker and friend. Nothing shall change with the passing of the day.

I am reminded, again, of what it means to grow up – to be responsible, to act a certain way and with a certain expectation of maturity and wisdom. To be professional and serious and all those things we associate with a certain number of years passed around the sun. I still balk at it, I’ve found. It’s an odd sort of Peter Pan like mentality where I want to be ME yet rail against the desire to ‘be my age’ and progress professionally. After all, I’m almost 40 (gasp) and I still enjoy loud music with screeching guitar solos, dressing in all black and going to Disney regularly to escape the realistic gloom that hangs over most people it seems anymore.

So what does that mean for me?

To be honest I can’t rightly say and I think that, with anything in life, that’s the jist of it. Each day brings new endeavors, new opportunities, new learning experiences. Age is a number, which I would have to say that actress Olivia de Havilland would have to agree with. It’s what you make of your age that is ultimately important; who you are at your core. I am a good many things, some wondrous, some wicked, some sad and some inspiring. I know I encompass more than I even am aware of.

What I hope, as a new day dawns soon on a new chapter in my chronological cycle, is that my children can be proud to say that I’m their mother. That my partner can look upon me with love, affection and pride for the woman they love, that my parents can be glad to call me their child and that my coworkers can speak kind of the person I am and the worker I happen to be. Beyond that though, what I hope for and still strive (and at times struggle) to obtain is a peace within myself that I am exactly who I’m supposed to be, where I’m supposed to be and content with whom that person happens to be.

The Greek definition of Happiness is “the joy you feel striving towards your potential.” May this new year provide me more opportunities to recognize that journey and realize the potential that is, ultimately, simply me.

Corporate Goth….

I’m almost 40. I still dont know how to dress ‘professionally’ and I’m thankful I have a professional job that is patient, mostly tolerant (I still have to cover the tattoos), and willing to teach me.

I realized today, I truly want to be a glam goth again. Ya know, the goth chicks that are elegant, always well put together and made up, but most definetively goth. I was always more of a punky goth in high school and my 20’s. I enjoyed the elegance but I honestly didnt have the funds. Now, better position in life, but a lot LESS time to put into making myself up every day.

I need to adjust my schedule, I think. Between running, family and what not I rarely have time for the hobbies I want to partake in, more or less spending 30+ minutes doing my ahir and make up every morning.

I’ve been getting better. I have at least been tackling eyeliner (I have an eye disorder so it make wearing certain types of makeup difficult.), mascara and primer with a tinted moistuerizer. I really think I want to go back to black hair as well.

Now…off to pinterest to get ideas. 😉 

When I Grow Up….

I was thinking about this on my drive into work this morning, what do I want to be when I grow up? This thought was prompted by watching two older gentlemen, bundled up by Florida standards in the lower-50 degree temps, playing golf. Where I work, our CEO is in her 70’s and you wouldn’t think she was over 55 in her appearance in part because she’s active, constantly learning and continually working on something be it professional or personal.

Here I sit, inching closer to what everyone considers the dreaded 4-0 and not overtly worried about it. I haven’t ever looked my age, and I certainly don’t act my age (whatever that means) enough that there are times I know it’s gotten me in proverbial hot water both professionally and socially.

 

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I was always brought up that age is simply a number – a chronological marking on the time spent on this planet from birth to death. Indeed, in America we don’t count you as a year old until after you’ve completed 365 days on this Earth – conversely depending on your cultural age reckoning system it may mean that you are automatically a year old on the day you’re born.  Age was something to be respected, but in my household it wasn’t something that should determine how you act necessarily. Maturity should, yes, but given that people mature at different speeds, my mother in particular never really stressed that I was such-and-such an age so I had to act THIS way, unless of course, I was 13 and throwing a temper tantrum.

 

Which begs to differ, as we do age, and with ‘elderly’ being almost a term of disdain in America in particular, what do I want to be when I grow up as I’ve certainly not gotten there just yet? I want to be active, yes. I want to have activities I enjoy that not only keep my body moving, but my mind engaged. I want to be happy, certainly, and hopefully have been successful enough during my working years that I can be comfortable enough in my retirement, whenever that may come. I think I’ll likely be the sort that still has at least a part-time job when I’m officially retired as I can’t quite see myself being STILL for that long. I want to travel, to explore, to do the things that working precludes me from regularly doing. I want to enjoy other cultures and immerse myself in new experiences. I’m not exactly sure what that will make me. But it’s a goal at least. I want to be classic, and outspoken and be able to inspire people somehow, kinda like this lady here…

 

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Helen Mirren, in case you didn’t know…

I want to know that the impression I’ve left on this Earth, either directly or indirectly through my children, is a positive one; that I’ve raised boys who are respectful, gentlemenly, supportive, creative, intelligent and witty. I want to know that the art I create can be appreciated by someone, somewhere. That my words, be they spoken or written, as well as my experiences and wisdom can help someone else in a time of need.

So I think, regardless how I act (or don’t act) now  – that I’m on the right path. I guess I’ll see when I get there, if I ever should.

 

 

New Year—New Start

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2015 ended on a rather good and solid note for me, though 2016 was rung in quietly and with ample amounts of sleep! I do hope, for anyone reading, that you’re new year began happily, with an abundance of hope and prosperity for the coming days.

I turn 39 this year and to me, age is indeed just a number. But there is something to be said for those ‘milestones’ – you know, aged 5, 10, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, 30, etc. It’s rather funny, actually, how we start to spread them out into 5-year increments starting in our 20’s, isn’t it? As my proverbial 30’s are coming to what is socially and chronologically considered their close, I have endeavored to make improvements for myself. Nothing major, and indeed I’ve already started with drastically decreasing my caffeine in-take, greatly increasing my water consumption and attempting to make better dietary choices without denying myself sweet, delicious junk food. I haven’t been able to run – physical limitations have been halting the forward progresses I had made there – but I have already established appointments to look into the causes of said issues and hopefully resolve them so that I can continue with the momentum I have building up.

Each weekend this year I want to DO something beneficial – this month it will be literally cleaning out some closets, purging what is no longer useful, needed or retain-able for sentimental value, and reorganizing my work space to accommodate a few things that are being developed – expanding my work with Chrysalis Creation and it’s Etsy shop which I LOVE and expanding my social networking there in through both its Twitter and Instagram feeds. My partner has started to home brew mead and I have to say that has piqued my interests too – something I can create, set aside to develop on it’s own through nature, and then enjoy afterwards with others. Exercise is taking a forefront again – especially weight training. I’ve mentioned before that I have a love/hate relationship with running, but I LOVE weight training. There is something tangible about seeing your gains and lifting heavier weights, or easily doing more reps that I just enjoy. Gains with running I’ve noticed are very subtle, and subtlety and I have always had a rough relationship.

I had to defer the 10k I was supposed to run this week due to the aforementioned physical limitations I’ve been experiencing. I’m not certain if it’s due to plantar fascittis, shin splints, or even an IT band issue. But I know I can get it looked and and any of those can be worked out. I’ve already started to brainstorm possibilities for running costumes for the 10k I WILL be completing in April with the runDisney Star Wars – The Dark Side challenges.

So to all, on this first post of 2016 – don’t make resolutions. They fail. Simply decide what you want to DO this year and get after doing it. The rest will all fall into place.

 

 

 

The Struggle Is Real….

Work. Kids. Family. Finances. FINANCES. Time. Priorities. Love. Partners. Work. School. Exercise. Running. Social Activities. Play dates. Birthday parties. Finances. Personal Time. Hobbies. Yes, the struggle is real. I’ve mentioned it before that time can be tight when you’re a mom, a partner to someone who works night shift, work full time and basically am single mother most of the time. I wonder how I do it all and then realize there are plenty of things I’m unable to get to and have to decide if I can live with that or not. Sometimes that struggle is the worst as I can feel, quite simply, like I’m letting SOMEONE down; be it my children, my partner, my family, my coworkers or worse…myself. Its no wonder that since having my littlest one I’ve not lost the weight that I put on in pregnancy. I saw a post today about Loey Lane, a beauty blogger, plus-sized advocate and general all around bad-ass who talks openly about confidence, acceptance and just being comfortable with yourself. This is something that I realized I’d lost. I push myself so hard to get back to my pre-baby body and loose the gut I’ve gained without realizing or accepting my age, how exactly my body has changed, and where I am NOW.

 

I started running in 2013 as a response to the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings with the intent to eventually run that race. I had always had the adage that unless my life was in danger, I wasn’t running, and yet here I was signing up for 5k’s and taking great pride and pleasure in improving my per mile minute. I just turned 38. Yes, I’m overweight and weigh the most I have ever in my life. I also have two beautiful children to show for my efforts and the wear and tear my body has experienced. I have horrible eating habits that I have to work to improve. I run, when I can, and push myself to do so when the weather permits (when it’s 90-something in Florida and the feels like due to humidity is upwards of 110, you don’t WANT to go out in that!) Do I wish I wasn’t in this body? Yes…because I feel like I’m letting my partner down. I feel like I’m not attractive anymore and why should they have any interest in this mass of flesh and pudge? But then I remember that love transcends appearance (thankfully) and that when you have it pure it can overcome anything. But there in lies the crux…I can’t accept myself so how can I expect someone else to? In order to be where I want to be, I have to accept me as-is with the idea that I will take steps each day to make improvements for MYSELF.

And this is where the struggle comes in. Mostly this blog is about my Etsy shop, my creations and promotion. But I do want to share that we all have similar struggles in life – money, weight, confidence, acceptance. It was recently pointed out to me that I still seem to have some issue with wrapping my head around two things – 1.) my age and 2.) that I am now, officially,  a professional. Yes, I do have issues with this, particularly #1. I just turned 38 but you’d never know it. I dont look it. I don’t “act” it (and how in the world is one supposed to act any particular age, anyhow?) and I don’t generally -dress- like it because I didn’t have a household growing up that was anything other than blue collar. Now, I don’t dress like I used to – being semi professional and a recovering goth make that pretty easy – though I still tend to gravitate towards all black. But gone are the days of fishnet shirts under tank tops with chunky knee high boots and a cute skirt over more fishnets; replaced with jeans, a tee shirt and flats or sneakers most days.

The struggle comes in accepting who I am NOW instead of who I was or even who I want to be. The irony is I can’t get to be where I want to be until I accept where I am now and embrace it. Maybe that’s why I enjoy painting my dollies so much as well – I have an outlet for that recovering goth that’s not only beautiful, but the whole universe of Monster High in particular is about embracing your “freaky flaws” and being who you are – not what other expect you to be. This while holding on, somewhat, to the innocence and frivolity that is youth. Even funnier still is I’m generally the one to state that age is just a number and that when I get to be the big 4-0 it will be like any other age. I still believe that, but it’s easy to accept this train of thought when you don’t really accept your age to begin with. It’s certainly not a death sentence as many feel it is, but a new chapter – a new decade to explore and grow and adapt to.

I could continue on and on and I may in future posts…but for now I want others to know, even other thirty-something moms trying to hold down the fort without loosing their proverbial minds, that they aren’t alone, there are those of us out there that understand, and the struggle is real—-so don’t fight it. Embrace it.